No trust No future

I've lost hope to the people who lose trust on me. I mean, i did all i can to change. And they still don't see my efforts and sacrifices. Accuse me here and there. People gets tired, I get tired too. You'll get tired too. I met Abby cause i wanna borrow her money for Ibu. We had a talk. That's why I'm home on the last train. As for Haziq, i leave you with your friends, i put my trust on you even though I've been played out before. I didn't spoil your night. Why must you spoil mine? I don't care for whatever reason you gotta tell me. I just literally give up. There's no point. Cause you didn't have any trust on me. You had TWO straight nights with your friends. And i did not disturb u at all. Why must you disturb mine?! I just got no more words to said but just to give up. And for adeq, youre mad at me cause you thought i met abby and paitau you. You just don't get it ahh. Seriously you guys just don't get it. Abby tak pernah kecewekan aku. Abby was always there when I'm always in need in ANY help. Kekadang tkya mintak, she lend her hand over. A friend that put me first before her.

I need you. Always.

He's away now. And i'm all alone being too bored sick here. I honestly wanna know how can he have the guts to have fun when i'm here sick, and facing this alone all day and night. I mean, of course i don't want to be the reason he spoil his day because of me. I would be super grateful if he did though. But i mean, knowing that i'm sick for days and nights, you can still scold me and not taking care of me. By just asking how am i, is that the way you show you cared, actually? I'm not asking for anything. But, did you actually realized what you did? Like yesterday night, 14September2012. After you send me home from RSH. I talkbox-ed you. And you said you was tired and i didn't understand you. But you went too well with your friends. You laughed, and talked like normal. But why when it comes to me, you gave me that dead voice? OMG seriously, what do you take me as? I know i can't afford to make you happy like how your friends did. I'm not as good as your friends. I know i'm even not your first priority. But dude, at least treat me right and tell me how you take me as? TELL ME. But lately, your actions shows that i don't really mean a thing. I'm like your side-lines. Aren't i? (': It's alright, i have to force myself not to love you 100% even though i've lost it to you.

Well heyy i cant sleep yet. Guess i shall kill my time to blog for a while. Maybe after this, i will sleep? And well, maybe not? lol , im just excited for tomorrow(': no wonder how much he say he's not coming on 8July, finally he is(': but, he's not well tonight. After cruising from early morning til in the evening. And after that, he went off to meet his friends too again. So maybe i guess, he's just not having enough rest. That's all. I know he's gonna be fine. I know that he is strong. I know he can fight those tiredness and illness in him. Hhmm, well apparently we recently had quite a huge fight. That almost lead us to the end of this relationship. Will, i certainly, don't wanna lose im. I will never wanted to. But, i was too disappointed and sad. I cried out loud that exact night. Nobody was with me. No one. On that night, everything was on me. He was quite harsh on me, so as zan. Look , i love haziq as much as i love myself and even zan. I prioritize both haziq and zan. I took care and love both more than i did to others. As ubby can see, zan took lots of advantage on me. And ubby asked me to ignore him. Even though i cant, even though i cared and loved him too much. Idk if ubby see what he was doing. I always wanted him to be by my side. I know i got to accept the fact that his friends come first then me. But, at the same time i'm quite jealous? I mean, i wanna treated like how i'm supposed to be. Maybe, i don't wanna go out with him and his friends anymore. It hurts. Yes, a lot. Every friend of his treats their gf well. Whatever she wants, she gets from him. Wherever she is, he's there. That's how his friends were. I mean, i dun asked to be treated well. I just wanna be treated right. What are boyfriends for? No i mean ... omg, no. idk. maybe im expecting too much? I DON'T KNOW !!!! MAYBE, I JUST DON'T WANNA CARE ABOUT ALL THIS ANYMORE ! I CAN SURVIVE FOR FREAKING 4HOURS ONLY IN TOWN. I CAN SURVIVE GOING ANYWHERE ALONE AND LOST MYSELF ALONE. I JUST ...... maybe dun wanna expect anything from him anymore. As long as he's happy, im fine with it. Maybe, if he wanna talk to other girls, like his female friends, i dun mind anymore. Well, thats whatmakes him happy. FRIENDS , made him happy. Not me. I'm just, his someone where theres no one, and here i am (': idk, omg . yaa allah yaa tuhan ku , berikan laa ku kekuatan, berikan laa ku petunjok ya allah. Ku, berserah.

I GOTTA FORCE MYSELF ! 

QEE, BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO THIS ! I'M STRONG !

It's 3rd June 2012 tonight(': yeaa, it's my lil brother's 15th birthday and my 10mnthsary with hubby(': 
well everything is expected. Nahhh , i'm not disappointed or sad for anything. 
In fact, i am happy for everything , for what i still got now(': 
Thats the most important right. I don't need wishes from anyone. 
I just need us. The old us(': 
It's not that i'm giving up, nahh i'm not.
 But i'm like wishing for something that is impossible to happen yeaa :'p well, whatever
. I'm already used to be in kind of living anyways right (': 
well, #whatsnew:p I realised, with all this, actually helped me a lot. 
Taught me to be patient , 
Taught me that maybe giving up is sometimes isn't the way.
 But, less care, maybe is(': 
Soo i wouldn't have to hurt myself soo much like before.
 I've loved and cared too much.
 Thats why disappointments and heartbreaking happened(': 
People say, you wouldn't be hurt if you allow yourself too. 
Guess, i'm just gonna focus more on the ones who need me the most, maybe?
 Well, i'm not saying i don't care about the rest. 
I still do, but not as much anymore. 
Just , gonna still be there for you every single time. 
But the difference is just , you're maybe my second, third priority ?
 Cause you just don't seem to need it. 
I've hurt and put Atika down. Even on her birthday. 
Especially ending of last year and early this year. 
I'm just gonna always be there for Atika now, give her all my love and care.
 Cause i know, (': she deserves it and she will take me well. 
They say people change , but not Atika and me (': 
i just don't understand why people change.
 Is it me who change you ? Or is it your personal problems?
 If you do have problems, then what am i there for?
 I'm here with you cause i wanna help you up. 
Atika and me share every single problems we had. Thats why we didnt change.
 Cause we truly understand each other well. 
And i realised, i have only aika to count on. 
Haziq ?
 Of course i need him. I need him soo much . Every time and when. I needed him 24hours. But .. sighh(': forget it. I still got haziq with me. Alhamdulillah. I thank Allah for that . For making me strong and face all his tests(': 

I don't need wishes or texts . I don't need anyone to come and hug and tell me everything is gonna be alright. Nahhh , i don't. Cause why ? CAUSE HEY ! I SURVIVE MY FREAKING 17 YEARS WITHOUT ANY OF THOSE ! I just wanna see and make them happy , in my own hands. I wanna make them feel the worth of living. I wanna let them know, no matter how hard life they are facing, there is others who face it worse. And they manage to live like normal people. Example, Iqbal (': i'm ready for a stay home Sunday later(': Besides, i'm at home since our 7th Monthsary (': I know you're trinna not make me sad, cause actually you forgot. Well, you know you don't have to lie. Cause you wont still scold you. Cause hey , this is not the first time remember? (': I'm so used to it now baby^^ 

Happy 15th Birthday to my lil brother, and Happy 10monthsary to us ubby(': <3

No matter how many shits they give, i am always and forever loving them sincerely(':

Im ecstatic now. and of course im released. Thought ubby was mad at me. Cause he didnt reply to me for quite soo long. Nothing in my mind actually thought you were sleeping.Yeaa, that was how blind am i. I only thought that you were mad at me and trinna cool urself down. I went to searched for ubby. I ditched my night class, ditched my sleeping hours, and even ditched my hungry stomach since morning. You told me you wanna meet me at 2.30pm. I didnt eat cause i thought i wanna have lunch with you. Instead, i save it up for ntg. Now that ubby is coming over, i hope we can go for dinner.

 I feel stupid for being over-reacted just now. But, you just dont understand whats really going in my mind. I just dont want history to repeat. Even though i promised you that history wonnt repeat, remember?

 Ubby, i hope you remember every single promises we made. Especially those first 5Promises we made. Was supposed o be 6. But hey, i dun think so anymore now right. Cause baby, didnt i swear to you that i wont go away?(": 

ubby, i didnt ask for much. I didnt ask for anything anyways. Just wanted the old us, the old you back sayangg. I really miss the old us. The love we had, those hugs and kisses we had. Those missing moments we were for each other. 

You wanted an RC car, but i just dont have enough money yet. Soo i decided to make you this. Sorry if its lame to you, But thats the temporary RC car i can give you first. Hope you like your monthsary gift hubby(':

 with lots of love, i will always love you forever and always <3

Wanted to text ubby up , but im scared. 

Cause, i dun wanna be disturbing him , so as i dun wanna be scolded :( wanna tell him im missing him now. But, nehhh he will scold me and will eventually asked me to sleep or he will give up and just sleep first. Yeaa, thats the "NOW" haziq. sighhhhh . But nvm, i shall endure. But dude, come on, ure my ubby . Not my crush? Nvm, i shall be strong and not cause any troubles between us. This coming Thursday is our exact 9months together. Well, in this 9months, soo many things had happened.Be it sweet and bitter(": i hope things will get better and smoother. InsyaAllah. I swear i just love haziq soo much. Nothing can actually change that. Despite what he did to me, i still cant deny that i dun hate him for that. I cant hate him. To be frank :"( im selfish when it comes to his part. But, im being even more selfish to myself now. I dun wanna be scolded anymore. Soo i will just swollen everything through. Its alright though, cause i swear i would rather lose the fight than i lose you ubby. I hope you could see that u mean everything to me. 

Well heyy, on our 9monthsary ubby, i bought you this Obey snapback. 

I hope you like it. 

Wanted to buy you a pair of shoes. But baby, i ndunnoe ur size :(

 maybe will get for you very soon ;) 

ubby, continue to love me like how u did before. Like how u known me for the first few mnths. Cause i was in love with that Muhammad NurHaziq Bin Hamdan.


Ubby, i want you to know that no matter what youre the one whom i love soo much like no others. I wanna you to know that no one ever made me love this much. Ubby, i want you to know that you deserve the best. You're far from the usual. I wanna be ur princess, forever and always. I dun want other girls to hold you. You dun deserve them. I swear you wont be the way you wanted if you were with them. Soo dun be mad, im fcking selfish. Yes hubby. Because you taught me, How to Love. How to put pieces together. I wasn't someone with a heart before i known you. You taught me to believe in love again, and you taught me how to be patient. The most is that ubby, u taught me to believe in teenage love again. Ubby, you promised me you wont go no matter what. I hope you still remember the promises we first made. Ubby, i still remember every single beat of us. Every single say and done. Ubby, no one but you, please stay with me and make me ur last. Cause im gonna make u my last ubby. Please stay and show me the right way to live. I dun want others, but you and only you. Happy 9Monthsary to us Hubby(": last forever okay:*

love yourself

Hey, im currently on a rest of revising. Got soo tired and eyes are paining. 

Thought of resting for awhile. While resting, lets post a blog jyeaaa ;) 

well , after all the thoughts i had, i guess i shouldnt be the way i am last few nights past . 

I study should study at night and not to go internet . 

Well, besides then resting hours. 

I would rather post it here then i find someone to talk at night right?(:

 Dun wanna disturb atika and dun wanna disappoint hubby as well .

 He's busy working and im supposed to support him and do a great job as a faithful, loyal and sincere girlfriend ;) I really love him a lot. 

I swear i cant see him with other girls . I dun wanna have third parties.

 I freakingly HATE THIRD PARTY SOOO FREAKING MUCH.

 soo well, i hope this will maintain because i know he wont play me out. 

I have confidence in myself. And thats why too i thought i gotta change and be loyal and sincere. 

No more old aqilah used to play guys out and not freaking a single care about them, their feelings(: 

im new me , new aqilah who loves her hubby, Muhammad NurHaziq Bin Hamdan sooosooo much.

 Despite whatever had happened, i just cant hate you for long and i cant even let u go.

 Cause hey hubby, i loved you too much. I dun wanna be apart from you.

 You were the one who didnt give up and tried and stay to win my heart and you did. 

You did everything and anything to win my heart. You took a real good care of me. 

Till ayah was pleased. I was soo precious to you back then. Was soo a princess. 

Hope ur love will grow like mine to yours. Iloveyousoomuch and i love rifqah soo much too. 

I remember i cried when i first saw her. She touches my heart and she made me love her soo much.

 But whats more is that, i love myself more :P because i can see a change in me. 

You, hubby, changed me. A lot. You made me a patient, loving and more understanding lady. 

Because to be frank, i wasnt like that back then. I saw soo freaking heartless till people say i got no feelings at all. See how bad was i ? LOL , thank you soo much hubby for making me reason the REAL me . He got me a brown bag that i wanted soo much. He gave what i need and also what i need. Other people may not understand why i still stay. Well, it doesnt matter right? What matters most is that, i got my own reasons why i stayed and still loving you(":

loneliness night

Day by day , night by nights im getting a lil restless. I know i shouldnt be insecure . He's working, not flirting . In the day, he's sleeping all day. I dun mind. But jyeaaa, yes i dont. But he somehow had changed. Not as sweet , as lovely as last time when we known each other . Well, idk how to say this, but im just .. idk . I just need him in my life. Not friends neither family. He was my first priority , but i wasnt his first. But its alright. I dun ask for that . I just need and want the old Muhammad NurHaziq Bin Hamdan. I miss him soosoo badly much :"( cried myself to sleep every single night. Idk what went wrong, idk whats not enough, idk what my mistakes are .My mood went down each night . deeper and deeper down . i cant help it . But now, as days changes , he made me realise that i can go through a day without his text, his call . I felt like the old me is coming back slowly, where idc about others neither mine(": heartless much huhh ? jyeaa, that was me last time. But still, i know i gotta takecare of his heart no matter what. But haziq .... hais , nvm i gotta be strong. Biar orang buat kte, jgn kte buat org(": pesaan ayah yang tak mungkin aku lupe. 

Sometimes i ever thought of killing myself, jump from a high building. LOL , but guess its not worth it . I might just live my own life with friends while he's busy .. because im always and forever here for him, loving him without change. He's gonna scold or have moodswings, i just gotta be strong. A test from God right?(": i can do this aqilah. Iloveyou(":

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!! fck !! PKM !! ADEQ AKU MCM SIAL ! SUME ORANG DLM RUMAH NI MCM SIAL ! PKM PKM PKM PKM PKM !!! sial ahh zan , sayang kau gile babi , sayang kau mcm mane aku sayang haziq , kau lagi nak sial dgn aku ehhhh ? ehhh2 , sial ahhhhh . melampau siaaaa . kau nak kenot dgn aku psl nonok kan .. kau simpan ahh sial . pkm , ehh2 , geram siaaa dgn kau zann ! sakit hati siaaa , sumpah ! tkpe , one day kasih malu sama mak lu peyh muke k . nnt kau selamat nyaaa , no worries . KAU PEYH PASAL , AKU SUME KENE . KAU PEYH PASAL , MAK KAU NAIK KEPALE DGN AKU . EHH SIAAAL AHH ZANN ! BERSYUKUR LAA PKM DGN APE YANG KAU DAA ADE ! SIAL !

ehhh siaaal ahhh , ni haziq pun mane aku tk thu ! pagi2 bngn beh fb ? aku text tak thu reply perrr !
ehhh siaaaal ahhhh gini , HAAIS !!! GY MAMPOS AHH SIAL DGN SUME !!!!!

Like i said dude , words are not everything(": 

youre being too negative nowadays . and blaming me instead .

 i shut the fuck up and let you in , because wanna save from fights .

 But actually it got worse . It rotting ur mind(": 

nvm , lesson learnt right . 

Hey haziq , believe it or not , i nvr loved like how i did to you .

 you were the one who thought me love . 

you know my past , u should understand what i meant (":

 Remember what i told u when the first few times we known each other ?

 that words are thing to me . i nvr regret what i did , dun make me regret what i did .

 Remember how hard you get me and you still got me till now .

 Remember you said we built a nice castle and you wouldnt wanna ruin it and build again . 

Remember ? (": we stayed strong together . you scold the hell out of me , anywhere anytime you want , and i still stay . 

You insulted me and still are , i still stay(": 

You treated me like a trash(thats what i felt) i still stay .

 Well whats worse ? you called me a dog(": 

and i still stay and gave you an option still . 

cant you see how much you meat to me ? 

You called me sundal , i still can take it cuz my mum used to say that to me last time 

. But no one in my entire life called me a dog .

 Nvr had a guy , Straight guy i mean , ever abused me . 

I still stay sayang . im not saying im regretting this .

 I just dun wanna lose you and at the same time i cant bare to be treated like now .

Remember how perfectly you treat me when we are just 1-2 months ago ? I

 put all my trust and love on you . 

Remember what i told you during that time ? That i will forever and always love you (":

i just hate it when u get mad at something and u threw ur tantrums on me . 

and i still shut the fck up cuz i dun wanna cause anything worse . 

When you got no gudang , out of the blue your mood swings and you strted to scold the hell out of you . 

Love is everything , happiness , respecting , protecting , 

and willing to take just any risk for our love ones . 

Love is not just the feeling . I need the old you , old us back :"/

i just need you .

hey im sad , im down :( idk who to talk to . i reallyreally need to get out . hais  idk what to do . any ideas ? lol , am i like asking you ? well i did . hahais . patah seribu . daa laaa , no mood to blog . he woke up just after when i texted him yesterday . saying that im scared . he didnt reply but instead he's facebooking(": nvm , hahais . sometimes i just felt that i dun mean a thing (": peace .

Wow , its been soo long did i post a thing in my bloggy . Hmm , well im bored now , got ntg to do , soo i shall do blogging ? (: 

Alrights, lets story out my life jyeaaa^^ well , where should i start first ? 

Ohh jyeaaa ! Yesterday was our 7Monthsary ! ^^ but i was at home while baby's outside . 

But nvm, i understand that he went out to meet his friends and since we already met the day before which is on the friday . 

Well , im good . Fine with it(: since its been a long time he didnt meet his brothers .

 Errmm , im actually kinda sad that i lost adeq again . 

Haishh , well yesterday i dreamt about him , i saw him outside and wanting to hug him cuz i was freakingly missing him soo bad . But whats sad is that, he walked off without even staring at him .

 He took a glance and walked off . 

Well , thats just a dream . I hope i wouldnt come true that bad ? :( He knows im the type of person who doesnt like to otp with friends . wanna talk ? lets meet .

 He knows that . But .. ? idk ehh . Maybe its just me .

 But i heard that he's happy now with his new ITE friends . 

Well , i hope he did . He's the only friend of all that knows me well .

 He's just like my father . Though theres times that he's sucha fcked up , but i admit , he's the best . Everything he did to me in the past , was really for my own good .

He respects me , listens to me, treat me like no one ever did, knows what i want or wanted.

Protect me, fight for me, win for me, willing to take risk for me. OMG .

someone who's willing to do anything for me.

IVE LOST SOMEONE REALLY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME

 No one ever did care for me like he did :'( 

he said , " sayang die mcm mataer , rindu die mcm bapak aku , manjekan die , die buat aku gini " that was his last words . OMG , yaa allah . Ape aku bikin ni . 

He's fine now with haziq , he accept and respect my decision , and i did this ?! YAA ALLAH , tolong laaa kembalikan AMIRUL AMAN kepade ku !!

This is the last picture we took during the 3months holiday after our N-lvls.